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It’s Talk Like Jack Bauer Day, dammit!

Posted 14 Jan 2009 in humor, pop culture

Today is Talk Like Jack Bauer Day!

  • Either whisper or shout everything. There’s no middle volume.

  • No eating, sleeping, or using the bathroom.

  • When in doubt, use excessive force.

  • Every conversation needs at least one “Dammit!”

  • Be sure to start each hour with “The following takes place between X:00 pm and Y:00 pm.” (and if you really wanna kick it old school, include “…on the day of the California Presidential Primary.”)

  • No time for questions, dammit! YOU’VE GOT TO TRUST ME!

And here’s a fun (and slightly less vulgar) twist on the Team America: World Police “America! F*** yeah!” theme song, using a collection of Jack Bauer’s favorite word.

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UPDATE: More fun, courtesy of Top 100 Jack Bauer Facts:

  • There are two hands that can beat a royal flush. Jack Bauer’s right hand and Jack Bauer’s left hand.

  • The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.

  • Jack Bauer was once charged with attempted murder in Los Angeles County, but the judge dropped all charges because Jack Bauer never “attempts” murder.

  • Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer sees the glass as a deadly weapon.

  • When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.

  • Jack Bauer’s sperm come in 9mm, .40, and 12 gauge slug.

  • Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a “knock knock” joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.

  • If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.

  • Jack Bauer always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids. It’s because steroids are made from Jack Bauer.

  • The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.

  • There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.

  • Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

  • Alex Trebek once asked Jack Bauer the question, “What’s your idea of a perfect game show?” He replied with, “I’m the contestant and I ask the questions around here.” Jeopardy was born at that moment.

  • When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.

  • It’s no use crying over spilt milk… Unless that was Jack Bauer’s milk. Oh you are so screwed.

  • …and on the seventh day Jack Bauer said, “I’ll take it from here.”
Posted by FullMetalPatriot
12th gen. American, Constitutionalist, Harley-riding Texan, gun owner & NRA member, blogger, illustrator, Florida Gator alumnus. #TCOT

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